Hearing My Heart
This past weekend, I sent my son on Saturday morning off with his dad for a day of skiing. I started the day in good spirits with my two little guys. Determined to put on my happy face and have a GOOD, FUN day full of ADVENTURES (insert gritted teeth emoticon). In the background I had some wistfulness about being able to go skiing myself, as I was once an avid skier and have all but given it up in the past few years to stay behind with one baby or another. I told myself that my little guys needed me, and it was better for me to be around with them and stay on top of chores and things that needed to be done around the house.
We had an active morning of library and walking time, which was fun, after the months of cold. By the time we got home though, about lunchtime, I was dealing with two cranky and hungry kids and it didn't really improve from there. By the end of the day, after having to abort a playdate attempt because I was just so overwhelmed and almost in tears, I was feeling cranky, bitter and frustrated. It happens!
When my son came home, thrilled after a day of snowboarding, he immediately asked to go again with ME. My immediate (and I mean immediate) thought was no, I have too much to do on Sunday. Laundry, cooking, hosting in-laws, preparing breakfast, dinner....You get the idea.
Then I stopped. I listened to what my heart was really telling me. My heart was telling me that it's time to live, and if I have an opportunity to be with my son AND do something I love, I should take it. My fear instantly led me to a list of excuses for not doing something that my heart craved. Fear? Yup. Fear of skiing for the first time alone with a 6 year old. Fear of trying something new. Fear of getting OUT of my dang routine.
With the help of my understanding and wonderfully patient husband, I tamped down that fear and negative chatter, and off to skiing we went, and it was a blast. We went somewhere new (also out of my comfort zone) and spent a great morning together, skiing and snowboarding. It certainly was not the skiing experience that I had pre-kids, but being with my son out on the slopes was a blessing and really fun to see through his eyes. Some day I know that I will look back on that memory and hold it close. Some day he will be racing down those slopes without a care in the world for where his mama even is at that moment!
Here's the deal. Sometimes we listen to what is going on in our heads TOO much. Often it's a stream of chatter, some of it good, some of it...not so much. I instinctively wanted to bow to my fear yesterday, and am so glad that I didn't. It took a bit of thought, introspection, and truly listening to my HEART, but in the end it's a habit that I want to reinforce and that I NEED to reinforce to live my best life as a mom, as a wife, as ME.